PAGE THIRTEEN

ATTENTION

ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE.

YOU WILL BE SAFE, I JUST WANTED TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SAY GOODBYE.

Cecil

    Good Neighbor

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife. Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" She asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, And those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"  "Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband "Over here on the swing!", replies the drunk.

New Warning: This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps , Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers. It's getting ugly!!!

   Audit Time

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books the turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
 
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread -wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread - wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know - it - all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Next Page

The Purina Diet - I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for our dog Chip, and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

CONTRIBUTED BY HOLLY WEBB GAINESVILLE, GEORGIA.

Texas cowboy gets pulled over by an Oklahoma State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.

As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The cowboy says, "Y'all havin some problem with circle flies?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they're called. But I never heard of circle flies." "Well, sir, the cowboy replies, circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies cause they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. But, a moment later he stops and says, "Are you callin' me a horses ass?"

"No sir," the cowboy replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement to call y'all a horses ass."

That's a good thing, the trooper says and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

CONTRIBUTED BY STEVE HUGHES SPENCER, WEST VIRGINIA

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